Controlling their emotions

Most often these behaviors are caused by a child’s inability to ex- press or control his emotions. Tired- ness, hunger, boredom, frustration, and other causes that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. When your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and you’ll likely have your sweet child back again.

Handling tantrums, fussing, and whining

No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown mo- ments. Or even meltdown days. The following tips can help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice those solutions that seem to bring the best results. You may be able to avoid prob- lems by giving your child more of a say in his life. You can do this by offering choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first, put on your paja- mas or brush your teeth?”Children who are busy deciding things are often happy.

Tell him what you DO want

Instead of focusing on misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple instructions to follow.

Validate her feelings

Help your child identify and under- stand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, “You’re sad. You want to stay here and play. I know.” This doesn’t mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.

Teach the Quiet Bunny

When children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this approach when fuss- ing begins. You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session. Have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that he’s a Quiet Bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your child wiggle it, and then relax it. Once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times when he is agitated. Crouch down to your child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, let’s do our Quiet Bunny. And then talk him through the process. Over time, just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring relaxation.

Distract and involve

Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an “activity” that your child is engaged in. Since children aren’t very good multi- taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something dif- ferent to do.

Invoke his imagination

If a child is upset about some- thing, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of what he wishes would happen: “I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.” This can become a fun game. Use the preventive approach Review desired behavior prior to leaving home, when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate. This might pre- vent the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your com- ments in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and be specific. When it’s over, it’s over After an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on. Don’t feel you must teach a lesson by with- holding your approval, love or company. Chil- dren bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.

Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining

If you ask parents to list the most frustrating discipline problems during early childhood, you would find that these three items appear on every list. All children master their own version of these behav- iors – every parent has to deal with them!

What sets you off?

Most parents get angry over issues that are insignificant in the grand scheme of life, yet happen on such a regular basis that they become blown out of proportion. Some of the most common parenting issues that trigger anger are whining, tem- per tantrums, sibling bickering, and non-cooperation. Determine which behaviors most bother you and set about making a plan to correct each problem that sets off your anger.

Notice your hot spots

In addition to triggers, there are “hot spots” in the day when anger more easily rises to the surface. These are typically times when family members are tired, hungry or stressed. These emotions leave us more vulnerable to anger. This can happen in the early morning, before naptime, before meals, or at bedtime. You may also en- counter situations when misbehav- ior increases, and so does your anger: grocery shopping, play- dates, or family visits, for example.

Set a plan

Determine if there are things you can do differently to ward off some of the issues that spark your anger. For example, if the morning rush brings stress, you can prepare things the night before: set out clothing, pack lunches, collect shoes. Then create a “morning poster” that outlines the daily rou- tine step-by-step. If you find that tempers are shorter in the hour before dinner, set out healthy appetizers, enlist the kids’ help in preparing dinner, get the kids involved in a craft activity, or plan an earlier meal time.

Take positive action

Doing things the way you’ve al- ways done them and expecting different results only leaves you frustrated and angry. Instead, identify your anger triggers and take action to change things for the better.

Learn something new

Once you’ve identified a problem, consider several options for solving it. Jot down possible alternatives on paper, or talk it over with another adult. Read through a few parenting books and check the indexes for your topic. Visit an online parenting chat group or posting board. There’s no reason for you to make deci- sions in a vacuum – I guarantee that the problems you are dealing with are common and there are lots of sources for solutions.

Be flexible

Anger is not something that can be dealt with once and then will go away. Your children grow and change, and new issues appear. From time to time take a fresh look at the issues that create neg- ative emotions in your family and take action to change things for the better.

Let love help

And, finally, at times of anger, hold on to the feeling of love that is the foundation of your relationship with your child. Take time every day to bask in the joy of being a parent. Take time to play, talk and listen. Hug, kiss and cuddle your child often. When you build up this foun- dation of positive love and emo- tions you will find yourself less likely to experience intense anger.

Dealing with Anger

Family life is complicated and unpredictable. Day-to-day expectations and responsibilities can create angry emotions in both parents and children. No matter how skilled you are at parenting, no matter how wonder- ful your children are, you cannot eliminate or avoid the unpleasant situations that occur in all families. How- ever, once you understand where the anger comes from you can modify the situation and learn ways to control your reactions, so that anger can occupy a smaller place in your home. Our children bring us incredible joy. Yet, there are times that they can bring out the anger in us. It is helpful to identify the things that provoke your anger so you can make positive changes in your household.

What Triggers Your Anger?

Intercede before it happens Watch your child during playtime. When you see her becoming frus- trated or angry—intervene. Coach her through the issue. Teach her what to do, or model what to say to her friend. Or if she seems too upset to learn, redirect her atten- tion to another activity until her emotions level out.

Teach and explain

It’s one thing to tell a child what not to do or to step into an argu- ment and solve it yourself. It’s an- other thing entirely to teach her what to do in advance of the next problem. This can be done through role-play, discussion, and reading a few children’s books about angry emotions.

Examine hidden causes

Is your child hungry, tired, sick, jealous, frustrated, bored or scared? If you can identify any feelings driving your child’s actions you can address those along with the aggressive behavior.

Give more attention to the injured party.

Often the child who hits gets so much attention that the action be- comes a way of gaining the spot- light. Instead, give more attention to the child who was hurt. After a brief statement, “No hitting!”turn and give attention to the child who was wronged, “Come here and Mommy will give you a hug and read you a book.”

Teach positive physical touches.

Show your child how to hold hands during a walk or how to give a back rub or foot massage. Teach a few physical games, like tag or cat’s cradle. Under direct su- pervision, children who are more physical can gain a positive outlet for their physical energy.

Teach the clapping method

Tell a child to clap his hands whenever he feels an urge to hit. This gives him an immediate out- let for his emotions and helps him learn to keep his hands to himself. An alternate is to teach him to put his hands in his pockets when he feels like hitting. Reward with praise anytime you see he’s suc- cessful.

Give your child a time out

To use Time Out when a child acts out aggressively, immediately and gently take the child by the shoul- ders, look him in the eye and say, “No hurting others, time out.” Guide the child to a chair and tell him, “You may get up when you can play without hitting.”By telling him that he can get up when he’s ready, you let him know that he is responsible for control- ling his own behavior. If the child gets up and hits again, say, “You are not ready to get up yet,”and direct him back to time out.

Avoid play hitting and wrestling

Young children who roughhouse with a parent or sibling during play time might then use these same ac- tions during non-wrestling times. It can be hard for them to draw the line between the two. If you have a child who has trouble controlling his physical acts then avoid this kind of play.

Don’t lose control

When you see your child hurting another child it’s easy to get angry. This won’t teach your child what she needs to learn: how to control her emotions when others are mak- ing her mad. You are mad at her, so she’ll be watching how you handle your anger.

Don’t let your child watch violent TV or video games

Children can become immune to the impact of violence, and they may copy what they see depicted on the screen. Avoid viewing shows that portray aggression as an appropriate way of handling anger.

Children resort to aggressive behaviors because of a lack of wisdom and self-control. It is not a sign that a child is hateful or mean. Kids are human beings and human beings will get angry, we can’t prevent that. What we can do is teach our children how to handle their frustration and anger in ap- propriate ways. If your child uses physical acts to express her feelings, use some of the following tips to change her behavior.

Hitting, Kicking, Biting and Hair Pulling

Give lessons and examples Teach your children how to deter- mine if something warrants an in- terruption, as they may have a hard time deciphering when inter- ruptions are justified. Discuss ex- amples of when it’s okay to interrupt, such as when someone is at the door, or if a sibling is hurt.

Coach proper manners

Teach your child how to wait for a pause in the conversation and to say, “Excuse me.” When she re- members to do this, respond pos- itively. If the interruption is about something that should wait, po- litely inform your child of this. Don’t answer the question. Many parents admonish kids for interrupting, but in the same breath respond to the child’s in- terrupted request, which just rein- forces the habit.

Watch your manners

Parents sometimes jump in so quickly to correct their child’s bad manners that they don’t realize that the way in which their correc- tion is delivered is itself rude. Use your own good manners to model appropriate communication skills. Pause, look at your child, and say, “I’ll be with you in a minute.” “The Squeeze”

Tell your child that if she wants something when you are talking to another adult, she should gen- tly squeeze your arm. You will then squeeze her hand to indicate that you know she is there and will be with her in a minute. At first, respond quickly so your child can see the success of this method. Over time you can wait longer, just give a squeeze every few minutes to remind your child that you remember the request.

Create a busy-box

Put together a box of activities or games that can only be used when you are on the telephone, working at your desk, or talking with an adult. Occasionally refill it with new things or rotate the contents. Be firm about putting them away when you are done. Your child will be looking forward to your next conversation, which will be inter- ruption free!

Plan ahead

Before you make a phone call or have a visitor, let your child know what to expect. “I’m going to make a phone call. I’ll be a while, so let’s get your busy-box ready to use while I’m on the phone.” Give praise when deserved Catching your child doing the right thing can be the best lesson of all. Praise your child for using good manners, for remembering to say “excuse me,” and for interrupting only for a valid reason.

Interrupting

Whether you’re on the phone, busy on your computer, or talking to another adult, it can be frustrating when your children constantly interrupt you. What’s surprising to learn is that they do it because they always get a response from you when they do! They’ve learned that you are willing to stop what you’re doing to answer them. Keep in mind that children are so focused on their own needs that they don’t realize that you have needs, too. They can learn how to pay more attention to other people’s needs as well as their own, which will help control these endless interruptions.

By Elizabeth Pantley, author of The Discipline Solution Excerpted with permission.